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| Pointless Non Directional Ramblings |
| 04.17.04 (5:10 am) |
If you are waiting for sense in this blog, I am sorry to disappoint you. This will be a rambling mess of a blog, because I have lots on my mind, and nothing that makes much sense.
In about 10 hours, I am supposed to meet my ex and pick up my kids. I have no idea about the exact time they will get here, nor if they are coming at all. So, around the ungodly hour of 7.30, I’ll be sitting at the station, waiting for them to show up some time before 7.55 if they show up at all. I hate uncertainty. I hate that I can call her a million times, and she never calls me back. I hate that she never answers the phone, but always gets one of her idiot family to answer for her. I hate that she is telling everyone how I am not prepared to reconcile, but it is her, who is hiding herself from me, it is her who broke this up, and her who is going to break it more and more, regardless what she tells my kids. They know. They are young, but they know. I hope. I really do.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the divorce. In Australia you have to be separated for 12 months and 1 day before you can apply for a divorce. I’ve been waiting all this time, certain that I would file as soon as I could. Now that we’re two weeks away from it, I am not sure anymore. What difference is it going to make if I’m still married or not? We’re separated. I’ve got my life, she’s got hers. I don’t even have friends in this godforsaken town, let alone a girlfriend. Sure, there is someone overseas. How can I ever go overseas, leaving my kids behind? Then again, I already left them behind, haven’t I? To divorce or not to divorce, that is the question, and it’s really getting to me.
The church hasn’t done a thing. You’d think that after having been a member for years, and being pretty involved in it all, they’d at least send one of their people out to find out what the hell happened to me? Nothing. No one. The last I saw of the church was December 02, when I convinced one of the ministers to give our marriage a bit of mouth to mouth. I asked the Australian president, who happens to be my ex’s uncle. He in turn invited one of the world leaders, who also happens to be one of her friends (and I believed mine back then, too). We had our meeting late on Saturday night, prayed and did all the usual churchy stuff, and promised to try again, and to work harder at it than ever before. Sure. It lasted less than a week before she was back at it.
I’ve spoken to two people in the church since. 2 out of the 300 or so that said they’d be my friend and help me whatever happens. I guess being Christian makes you judgmental, and any promises you make only apply to people of like faith.
So, who the hell is God anyway? He is supposed to be omnipotent. Well, Buddy, if you’re listening, and I strongly doubt that you are (but if you are, you already know that, right, since you are supposed to know everything), where are you? Hey? I’m talking to you. I threw everything away to follow you to the day 12 years and 1 month ago. And when I needed you, you were nowhere to be seen. Just like the people that are running around on this planet professing to be your followers. They don’t give a fuck, unless you’re one of them. Simple. All they want is to brainwash you, dip you in water so they can add your name to their books, and 10% of your income to their accounts. Yes, I fell for it, like people would fall for Danoz direct. The real deal. The real truth. The real revelation. The history of the world explained, the future unlocked. What they don’t tell you, is that they will turn you into a Zombie, and if you dare to question them, they kick you out. No one gives a shit. No one. The two I talked to only talked to me because they needed me to fix their computer. There was no talk about church or God or me for that matter, beyond the how-are-yous.
You think I’m bitter when it comes to God and the church? This is exactly what I’ve been preaching against, what I used to point the finger at. The indifference that these people display to other human beings, because they judge you. The more fundamentalist the religion the more judgmental, the more intolerant. Are you worried about radical Muslims? Beware of radical Christians, because they are no better.
All this hit on my mind. I went on a shopping spree today, bought some stuff I wanted, like a kettle. Funny how depression makes you buy stuff. That’s statistically proven. Men who are depressed use shopping as an outlet. Well, I’m not depressed. I have all the doctors in the world telling me that I am not clinically depressive. No, it’s a choice, people. I want to be depressed. And oh yes, when you think of it, it is so true. They call it circumstantial depression. Great. All the symptoms, all the downs, all the blues, and none of the medication, none of the recognition, none of the help. No, I don’t need help. What makes you think I need help.
I’m sorry my blogs scream out at you. I’m sorry, I can’t make much sense in this world. I’m sorry, if you are offended by my comments about your God. If you have a direct link to him, let him know how I’m feeling, because he sure doesn’t give a damn when I tell him. I could write so much about God. I could tell you how much his heavenly kingdom bullshit is bullshit. How he tells you on one hand that you have to be the lowest of the low to be even considered to go to Heaven, while he sits on his throne. How he tells you that you can always pray to him, and then turns his back on you, when you’re down. Sure, the hype has saved many a people, but damn, if that’s God the way I see him, you can have him. I rather die the second death.
Anyway, I was closing. I was saying sorry. Well, I am. If you are offended.
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posted by: wyteopl
post date: 04.17.04 (12:22 pm)
hey, sorry to hear about your marriage situation.
trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding, acknowledge Him/ His ways, and He will straighten and smooth out all the rough edges in your path. (proverbs 3:5)
posted by: honeybaby
post date: 04.18.04 (10:59 am)
i thk wat u nid nw is not understanding from anyone else or a listenin ear but maybe a let-out and here u are... well, be sure im hurt by church before and still IS. going thru in fact. angry with e ppl, but rethink about it. going to church is to regenerate our focus on God and not just hope we talked and someone listen, understand and sympatize. u rather have it this way? well, we r still beings n we need that. maybe its just the neligence in 1 mem. see, im not judging them, but are you already doing what you call judgemental chrsitians are like? dont be mad,k. well, i dont know if it works 4 u, i still bitch abt it, cry it off and forget it. i learn to understand its sometimes nature law somethgs get out of control.
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