In my room
I'm alone in my room
and I'll be in for a while
And can't you see
I'm holier when I'm....
I'm feeling good enough to try?
All the drugs that you bring
if they're antiquated beyond belief,
might good enough to get me high.
Am I
Am I
My only only only friend that
I am, I?
Am I
Am I
My only only only friend that
I am, I?
In my gloom
I'm only in my doom,
and I'll be in for a while.
I used to think,
while i sit and wait for the phone to ring
that I'd be happier if I just am.
Only, only, only, only,
only, only, omly, only,
only, only, only friend that
I am, I.

Dandy Warhols - Be-In

• Fuck you for going back to your husband
• Fuck you for making me feel as if it's my fault
• Fuck you for cheating on me and then excusing it by saying we were on a break
• Fuck you for saying I'm a coward
• Fuck you for giving up on me
• Fuck you for being in my dreams
• Fuck you for destroying my dreams
• Fuck you for telling the world I love somebody else
• Fuck you for making assumptions about me
• Fuck you for destroying my hopes
• Fuck you for telling people how much you loved it on the phone
• Fuck you for leaving me alone
• Fuck you for wanting to be friends. How the fuck am I supposed to feel?

So fuck you and fuck your husband and fuck your pretty little flat and fuck your job and fuck your life and whatever the fuck else is keeping you away from me, because I am in love with you, and I can't go on without you. And if that doesn't go into your head, then fuck you.

I'm at the end of my fucking road.

We had "The Talk" tonight. The talk about our future. The problem with me is that talking to me is kind of monotonous. You rarely get more than an "I don't know" or an "I'm not sure" out of me. I'm not sure why. It's just me. Tonight, I made an effort. I really tried and I think it went well. I think she understands me, as much as I understand her.

There is something else strange with me and my relationships lately. In my last four relationships, I've fallen for women, who were in a relationship, either married or de facto. Not on purpose, it just happened that way. All of them were leaving or just left their respective other. And worst of all, all of them ended up with him in the end again. I should have learned by now, right? I should have learned.

Instead I stand accused of falling in and out of love easily. I stand accused of pushing them back into the arms of their respective others. I stand accused of moving on too quickly. None of this is true. I hang on way too long. I don't give up when they go back to their men. I understand, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I get all the promises. The "I'll never want to go back to him", and the "It's over". I get all sorts of assurances that I am not to blame for their break-ups. To be honest, I don't really care about their break-ups. Sure, as a decent man, I guess, I prefer not to be involved, but the reality always looks a little different, and no matter how much they assure me that I am not the reason, somewhere in the grand scheme of things, I am the reason.

What I don't get is that I am accused of letting go too easily. How can I not let go, if she is back with her ex? How can I not let go, when she is back with the Father of her children? Apparently it didn't bother me before. Well, no, it didn't because back then her promise was "To never go back to him". There was a future. Now, she has gone back to him to try again, so, no future for me. And that does bother me.

Maybe, this isn't making much sense. It was one of the things we spoke about tonight. We'll be friends, and that's it. Sure, there is love, but we won't be lovers, we'll be good friends, and that's it. She'll find her own two feet to stand on, and I'll continue building my life over here in my little corner. If we ever do get a chance to meet face to face again, we'll figure out how we feel about each other, then.

Shit, I sound grown up and reasonable about all this. There is no reason in love. No plan, no scheme. Love is. That's all there is to it. Love is. I'm sure.

~ ponders~ just because I am not a Christian, doesn’t make me judgmental. Actually – if anything – it makes me indiscriminate. See, as a Christian, I had the burning desire to spread the word and tell others about Christ. For a Christian, that’s actually a very bad thing to do, when you think about it. First of all, you have to make a judgment. That judgment is, that the person you are about to witness to, does not have Christ in their life. So, let’s say, you found a guy like me, obviously impartial to Christianity be it due to personal experience or lack thereof, and you have decided to witness to me. What if I already have a fair size idea about Christ, and now you come along, witness to me, and destroy that little bit of Christian love that was already in me? What if by your witness, you lead me away from Christ, rather than to him? Wouldn’t that be worse, than to not witness at all?
Now, you will say, but Christ tells us to go and preach the gospel, and witness to others, and… and… and… I agree. That’s what Christ told you to do. There is only one way you can do this right, though: If you are led by the Holy Spirit. Don’t even try to talk to anyone about Christ if you are not filled by the Holy Spirit. Especially not to people like me, because I am likely to give you answers that destroy will your faith, or at the least make you doubt the things you’ve been taught about Christ.

And while this may sound harsh, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you here. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have your say, or tell me your thoughts. You never know, I might actually listen closer than you expect.

:shock:
Maybe things went too quickly. After not having heard from her for 12 years, I sent her a letter – you may remember if you’ve been reading this blog for a while. Within a month, she’s told her boyfriend to pack his bag and started preparing for my return to her. Not because I wanted it that way. I told her not to get her hopes up. I tried to stop her. Sure, why did I write her the letter, then? I don’t know. To be honest, I really have no idea why I sent her the letter. Memories? Longings? I don’t know, but I do know that it wasn’t to make her move out from her long term relationship, and I don’t care how bad it is.

By the looks of it I won’t need to worry any longer. I think she’s mad at me. I don’t quite know how to feel about that. Who knows what else she’ll do, if I make an effort to stay in touch with her. I do love her… well, her, as I knew her 13 years ago. Who knows, if she’s still the same. Sure, she sounds the same on the phone, but face to face would be nice. :roll:

Fragile
Like a baby in your arms
Be gentle with me
I'd never willingly
Do you harm

Apologies
Are all you ever seem to get from me
But just like a child
You make me smile
When you care for me
And you know...

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Independence
Is still important for us though (we realise)
It's easy to make
The stupid mistake
Of letting go (do you know what I mean)

My weakness
You know each and every one (it frightens me)
But I need to drink
More than you seem to think
Before I'm anyone's
And you know...

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Kiss me goodbye
When I'm on my own
But you know that I'd
Rather be home

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Sometimes I feel as if I should go back and try again, but nothing I came for int he first place is still there. Nothing I ever believed in was true. Nothign I ever loved, loved me back. Some people stay away because they are too proud to go back. I wish there was a future there. I wish so much that I could make it work, or could have made it work. There is no way back, and it hurts. It has always hurt, even when it was still possible.

Lyrics credits: Depeche Mode - A Question of Lust

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

I'm just a little unwell

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

Thursday night blues. More like protracted Sunday night blues. The headline reads: Fool in love. With the exception that the fool is not sure what or who he is in love with.

I chatted with someone last night, and she suggested that my numbness is not caused by lack of emotion, but by an oversupply of them. That may well be. Whatever it is, it sucks. It sucks to be blue all the time. It sucks to be strung out all the time. It sucks to cry in public for no apparent reason other than self pity.

I've got a plan. Based on comments that people have left me. They told me to do something that makes me happy. I will. It's a secret right now, but in time, I'll let it out.

I need sleep. I've looked through the yellow pages, but no one sells somnia.

This entry makes no sense.

The ringer on my phone is switched to silent. I don’t want to hear the phone ring. She has been ringing. I know. She has been trying to get in touch with me. That’s why I have switched the ringer off. I should really talk to her. It would be the right thing to do. Kiefer Sutherland said to Colin Farrell in Phonebooth, "Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring, and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it? Doesn't it?" My phone doesn’t have to be answered anymore. It doesn’t ring anymore.

It’s not that I don’t like answering the phone. I don’t have many friends, and the few that I have never call. They write emails, or – how do they call it these days – they IM me. No, to be honest, my phone is pretty quiet. That’s why I know that it could be only her trying to get through.

Answering the phone is not the problem. The problem is answering her. How do you tell a woman that you are not going to love her for the rest of your life? How do you tell someone who loves you that you will not leave your country and move to be with her, especially, when that’s precisely what you have been contemplating for weeks?

It is easy to make a decision. Sometimes, it is a little harder to stick to it. What about sticking to it, when your heart tells you not to?

The choices are pretty simple on the surface: I can either stay close to my children and exercise their right to see their father every other weekend for a couple of days, and on their birthdays, and mine, and some other special occasions, or, I could leave this place and move back half way around the globe and try to start a new life again, close to her.

In 1847 Philip Morris opened a tobacconist shop in London. Seven years later he made his first cigarette. He died in 1873, and although there was never an official cause of death, he was reported to have had lung cancer. (The two actors that played the Marlboro men in the commercials both died of lung cancer, caused by long term smoking.)

Indecision is my strength, one thing I am terribly good at, like tobacco was to Philip Morris. However, just as smoking was Mr. Morris’ downfall, so indecision is what let’s me down over and over again.

Delaying the inevitable, waiting until it is almost too late. I’m a coward, I hide in the dark corner, and let the spotlight pass, and then escape from the shadow and blame you for not shining the light on me.

Right now she is crying. He - her live-in-ex-lover - is home. Somebody smashed a bottle over his head and glass fell into his eye. He was drunk, and somebody made a snide remark about her. He got into a fight. At the time she was on a trip with her parents, has been drunk for three days straight she said in her email.

She has two children by him, even though she hates him. She gave in to him, because he paid the bills. She is leaving him - for me. I told her not to. I told her to stay with him, unless she was ready to move out for herself. It’s like her addiction to Philip Morris. She can never quit for me. She has to do it for herself.

In this case I plead guilty as charged. It was me who wrote the letter to her after 12 years. It was me who was swept up in her love, and it was me who had reservations from the start. Sure the nights we shared were out of this world. During the days we were too busy to notice our differences. It was me, who hung on back then; it was me, who left in the end. Now, it is me who is not answering the phone. “A ringing phone has to be answered, doesn’t it?” But my phone isn’t ringing, is it?

Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme ways I know, will part
The colours of my sea
Perfect colour me

Extreme ways that help me
They help me out late at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light
Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it planned

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

Extreme songs that told me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me along

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things to cover me
Too much can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I would stand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

(Moby - Extreme Ways)
(Image by Turtleduck)
 

What gets to me is the loneliness. It's loneliness by choice. I live my life online, and while many people frown upon that, if you knew me you would probably understand. Contrary to public opinion, it sucks to be alone at times. That's one reason why I can't wait to get back to work. At least I have people around my head, and have things to do to keep me off thinking too much.

Sure, I could go out. Most times, going out ends in tears when I see others being happy in company. I'm not an approachable guy. If you saw me in the street you wouldn't come up to me to talk. Granted this sounds like a massive case of pity, but it's just an establishment of factual evidence.

I haven't had a bad run in life. I chose to do what I wanted to do. Left and have been left behind. I left my country when I was 14, travelled to England and France, came back to finish school, and then went to the army. I signed a 12 year contract, young and naïve, which I broke for a woman barely 3 years later. I resigned as a conscientious objector, and was dismissed, emigrated to Australia after a short stint in France, and married. I left my life behind in Europe, all my friends, all my relatives. Only my parents tried to keep track of me. I found new friends in my wife's church, found peace in Christ, a new job - in short a new life.

We moved out of the city to find a peaceful life. It gave me a chance to find the hypocrisy in Christianity, and I lost God, wife, house and friends all at once. Not that I was a very social person anyway. Along came a life online. Empty promises, voices on the phone late at night, and long sessions in any IM of your choice. A blog or thirty, but in the end, let's face it: I'm sitting here alone. I have no where to go today, unless I go and buy some stuff I won't need. No one is expecting to hear of me today, no one is expecting to see me. It wouldn't matter if I jumped off a cliff today, no one would even notice until Tuesday morning.

Have I been suicidal? Sure. Hasn't helped me any. Just makes me more depressed. People don't actually take notice until it is too late. Self harm is no answer either. It just fucked up my hands, and arms and it's pretty hard to explain to your boss.

I guess all in all, I am living a pretty good life. I have my own flat, I have a job and an income, just enough to keep me going. I pay my taxes. Life goes on, ever waiting for something to happen, albeit very well knowing that nothing is going to happen unless I make it happen. So, just sitting here thinking out loud onto these pages, trying to spill some of my arrogance through my fingers. This keeps me sane. Writing it out keeps me on the rails. It passes the time otherwise spent in self destructive behaviour.

Sad part is that I actually have people out there that care, and I pushed them away. Why? I have no idea. Maybe, because they came too close? Maybe, because I felt that I would hurt them, and became so obsessed with not hurting them, that I forgot to show them that I loved them? Maybe, it's because they are not close enough to ever hold me. They are too far to ever allow me to feel their warmth.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. This is my life, and I am trying to make the best of it. I'm just doing a lousy job.

I want peace just as much as the next guy. I don't believe in media propaganda, and I don't believe in politicians. I have been in conflicts, and in situations that have been blown out of all proportions by the media. I have seen the difference between reality and what the news like to show us.

I don't like that we have a war in Iraq. I don't like that Moqtada al-Sadr has a network of forces in Iraq, who have assembled as Mahdi since 2000. I don't like that Mahdi has taken weapons from Saddam once Hussein's family ran out of Baghdad. I don't even like that America and Australia are involved in all of this.

But do you have an alternative? A workable alternative?

I am sure, that the withdrawal of western troops will have a positive effect on the western world (and the elections of Bush and Howard, which are both due this year). What effect will it have on Iraq? What effect will it have on the Iraqi people? What good will it do, to leave Iraq now in a civil war between Mahdi and Hussein's left-overs? As it stands we have three major players in Iraq that would stay behind:

The Mahdi army, led by al-Sadr, who hates the old regime. His family was pretty much wiped out by Saddam's troops. al-Sadr has always maintained that he wants his movement to have a great political role in the new Iraq.

Secondly, there are the left-overs of Saddam's regime, clusters of rebels, who - if you believe the hype - are reorganising to strike against the coalition forces.

And lastly the Ayatollah Ali Sistani, leader of the Shia and the voice of the Iraqi people for many. He opposes Bush in terms of the way elections will be held in Iraq. Bush wants a system similar to the American system, giving regions power to vote for regional representatives, thereby giving minorities a chance to represent their people. Sistani on the other hand wants general elections, which means that each voter has one voice to elect a leader directly.

If you want to be pedantic, you could also mention that Sistani as Shia leader is also leader of al-Sadr, a Shia cleric.

Something's gotta give. Bush knows that he is not going to win an election while American soldiers are dying in Baghdad. He has to make progress, but people like Sistani are blocking his path. How do you have a democratic election in a country that hasn't had one? In a country that doesn't want an election based on our ideals? And best of all, how do you make them believe that it is their election, and not the election of a leader favoured by the Americans?

Again I ask. What's the alternative? What would you do, if you were GW Bush?

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

So, there is a 4 day weekend coming up, and I can feel myself getting down with the flu. Just great :roll: . When I feel down, I usually wrap myself up in my blanket and listen to music. Anything from Diana Krall to Slayer... right now, it's Metallica's S&M. What do you listen to when you need some musical medicine?

I know, many of you think I'm a war loving moron. It's not quite that easy. I hate war. I hate violence. The thing with Iraq is:

The war was successful in terms of getting rid of a brutal government and it's leader, Saddam Hussein. I believe (and no one will ever know) that more people would have died under Saddam Hussein (and subsequently his sons), than under the currently anticipated new government.

I agree that we must not force our opinions and beliefsystems or government on the Iraqi people. And sure, we should leave as soon as possible.

I don't believe we should for one moment think of leaving Iraq while it is unstable (unless our influence is causing the instability - and I don't think that is quite the case, despite what some peopel want us to believe.) I think it'd be outright stupid to withdraw our troops, while we still have Western civilians in Iraq - like aid workers, and civilian contractors - because they would just be killed. Fallujah was only an example.

The mind boggle is with the involvement of the UN. I don't believe that the UN should take over from America yet. However, here is the problem. America attacked Iraq alone, showing herself frustrated with the inactivity of the UN. The main reason for America's hurry were Weapons of Mass Destruction, which the US claimed Iraq had. The UN had been searching for those WMDs and found none, and hence postponed the attacks. So... America's very reason for the invasion of Iraq was illegal, and unjustified. Her argument against the UN null and void. The UN was right to hold off based on the WMD argument. (However, I do believe the UN should have interfered more strongly with the human rigths violations against the Kurdish for instance.)

So, we're in a jam, now, right? What do we do? Run away and leave Iraq to the UN, who most likely is going to sit by and watch a civil war developing in Iraq, or sit tight and have grenades thrown by Shi'ites and eggs by protesters in the US?

Imagine, you were a mountain climber and half way up Mt Everest, you found that you climbed the wrong mountain, and you're really on K2. Would you just jump off?

ok, no more politics for a while, I promise. Ok, last one... a shorty...

Having grown up in Germany, and travelled around Europe a fair bit, i got a chance in '84 to live in Port Grimaud in Southern France for some time. France is a beautiful country. Most people know Paris, and the Riviera, and champagne. Most people would see France as the romantic country of Europe.

As a German kid, you are not welcome in France. Our history goes back a long way, and we are hated almost as much as the English, and probably just as long. And I don't mean to say that the French are racists, au contraire. They are just arrogant until you get to know them. Just the reverse to us Germans... we're not arrogant, until you get to know us.

French people are gorgeous, their culture unsurpassed. Why is it then, that their government is such a loss to humanity? Why do the French allow indecisiveness to take over their nation time and time again.

Let's have a look at history: France was one country that was heavily defended in WW1, and paid the price for it. If you have ever been to France, you would have seen the fields of white crosses symbolising dead soldiers. In many ways, that was the last time, France really did anything usefull on the international stage. In WW2, they were overrun with hardly any resistance by the Nazis, and if the Allied forces (mainly Americans) hadn't invaded France, Paris could well have been a German town these days.

Next stop Korea, where we find French troops involved in the Korean war. Again, without any impact whatsoever, until the Americans came to help. Vietnam, invaded by France in the middle of the 19th century and made into a colony around 1900 (I think) was left by the French just after the second world war in utter chaos, which caused the Vietnam War. Did the French help in the Vietnam war? Of course not, they left that up to the Americans again.

Early 1990, and we have the Gulf war. Which nation was dragging her feet? You guessed it: France. No change in 2003.

It was France who was on the ground in Rwanda in 1994. it was France who was standing by and watched 800,000 Rwandans being killed. Sure, blame the UN. They are at fault, too. They should have intervened, and all the apologies and speeches of regret these days won't console the families of those murdered. For me Rwanda is the one excuse America had to override UN policy and invade Iraq alone.

Give me any conflict, and you will find that if there was a delay in proceedings by the UN, it'd be France dragging her feet.

On a much more personal level, I was a soldier in '91 in Germany. Germany joined the NATO in '49 and the WEU in '54, and by those contracts was bound to assist if one of it's member nations was involved in a conflict. While the NATO would not allow conflict outside the it's territory, the WEU provided strict guidelines in case of threat to a member nation. Germany is also a member of the UN of course. All these regulations came to a head in '91 when the UN requested assistance from Germany, and received it in form of equipment.

Shortly after the war broke out, Germany was taunted as cowards by Britain, citing the very passages of the WEU constitution. Germany prepared to send personell. In my batallion, we painted our trucks, and had everything packed up. We were ready to march out, and were literally sitting in the trucks when a fax came through requesting us to stand down, because - you guessed it - France vetoed. France was quite happy to have German armor and weapons, but they refused to allow German troops in the Gulf war. If you follow European politics, you might know that after the Gulf war, the French were overturned making way for Germany to take part in UN peace keeping missions in Yugoslavia.

This week, as the world commemorates the senseless loss of life in Rwanda ten years ago, spare a thought for the real culprits.

Just before I go, in the second half of the last decade, post Rwanda, many people called for reforms in the UN, and some nations were on the verge of leaving. In these last ten years, the UN has lost a lot of its reputation. Rwanda, Iraq, Yugoslavia, Somalia, Nigeria, Zimbabwe and America (and probably even more countries I can't think of right now) showed the UN the bird and went against UN resolutions engaging in conflict. Maybe, it is time to reform the UN? Why is it that there are 5 permanent nations only on the Security council? How can China with all it's human rights violations be one of them? How about the waste of space French, who out of prinicple seem to vetoe every move in the security council? And Russia? I don't even see a reason why Britain and the US should be permanent members, if all nations are elected on a 2 year term basis.

anyway... just thinking out loud. France really is a beautiful country, and the people there are very nice people...