How do you spell Bloop? :shock: The noise that a small stone makes when it falls into a pond. Plumpf? Plampf? Plomp? ~ ponders ~ All these questions, and no answers.

So, she took me to court this morning. She didn't even ask to move away in her affidavit, and the judge still found in her favour. I can't restrain her from moving. Well, at least I managed to have her drop the kids off half way for me to collect them. I guess that's something, and at least that way I won't have to face her house when she's finally built it.

Life as a separated father is unfair. I know, in America it's the same. I give you an example: She's got a block of land, lives still in the family home rent free, got a brand new car, but she is suing me for money... does that make sense? She gave up her business, and now I'm expected to carry her financially. Is that fair? No. It's not. It's not fair, but it's the law. They call it a justice system. I call it a joke.

3 weeks or so before Trouble is going to move in. Sometimes I think I'm not ready, but then I don't think I ever would be. I want this. I want her to move in. Maybe I'm reckless.

Anyway. Peace. Out.

PS: Just got a letter from the Child Support Agency. They've set up a meeting in Hobart, Tasmania... ~ ponders ~ that's about 2500km and one ocean crossing away from here... why do they do stuff like this? Bureaucracy? ~ shakes head ~ more happy thoughts later.

Asimov is one of those writers among a
few, that has always inspired me. Growing up in small town Germany,
books were my favourite past time, and science fiction was the escape
from reality you needed. I flew to the stars with Mark Brandis, brought
peace to the universe with Perry Rhodan, went into cybersleep with Buck
Rodgers and defeated the evil Ming with Flash Gordon. Who could forget
HAL in the 2001 series by AC Clarke. And I met the aliens in Carl
Sagan's Contact. I still believe that Jodie Foster is brilliant
in that movie, but the book is a lot better.

More than all of those, I became
fascinated with the concepts of intelligence, self awareness and
artificial life. If you've seen AI, you should have a small
glimpse into the philosophy of robotic life. Asimov was the first writer
to portray robots as positive, as self aware individuals who would
contribute to society. Many writers built on this concept.

I guess, in the early 21st century one of
the questions we have is the question of life itself. What makes a human
a human, what makes a life a life, and at what point do we melt into
each other.

Going a step back. When you look at
science and the industrial revolution you will notice that over the last
few decades things become multifunctional. Originally, a Printer was
just that: A printer. It would produce pages. A copier would take those
pages and copy it. These days you have a copier that connects to a
computer and becomes a printer, in many cases a fax machine and scanner
as well.

Phones started as devices to make calls.
These days your phoneline carries data to and from other computers and
networks us to the world. In many cases we don't even need the physical
copper wire anymore. We can connect wirelessly. Our cellphones have
turned into PDAs, that we can connect to the internet to play games and
exchange data. Give humanity another 10 years or so, and I'm sure, most
of us will have organisers that are wirelessly connected to the internet
at all times, making it possible to schedule appointments with your
doctor or the teacher of your children by typing a bit of data into your
handheld.

Your hifi system at home, that used to
play vinyl and tapes quite sufficiently (and how nerdy were you, if you
had a genuine diamond needle on your turntable?), now has to stream
Dolby7.1 digital streams into groups of speakers. It has to be able to
process WMAs and MP3s, make your DVDs look good and record your
favourite TV program onto DVDs, if possible sans ads.

Humanity is going the same way. The
approach comes from two directions.

Direction one is from the human point.
More and more of our body parts can be replaced by artificial limbs.
Legs, arms, eyes, ears, teeth, bones, the heart, nerves... almost
everything can be replaced. It won't be long and we will be able to
replace brain tissue and maybe a full brain. So, in the extreme, a human
who's every physical part has been replaced... what makes him the human
that he is? Self awareness? Intelligence? memories?

The other direction is what they broadly
call Artificial Intelligence. Imagine a computer that can think. Most
computers have a certain degree of AI already. They can check your
spelling and auto correct it. They can adjust the brightness of the
digits on your alarm clock when it's dark. They can switch your
microwave on for exactly the right time to reheat your dinner from last
night. Some can even give half way intelligent answers when you probe
them.

Go one step beyond that. What happens
when a computer can make "conscious" decisions? Sure, it depends on the
input, but so do humans. We put an umbrella over our heads when it
rains. Our skin senses the rain, and commands our arms to take out the
umbrella unfold it and shield us from the rain. A machine could do that.
In fact, we can build machines that can mimic most human behaviour, but
as yet have no will of their own. Isn't that the difference? Free will?

So, think back of the original scenario,
with the human who has been entirely replaced with artificial body
parts. If we could transplant his consciousness into a machine...
wouldn't he be the same thing? AC Clarke wrote a really good book called
Richter 10. In it he explores the mind of the main
character, who is a seismologist hunting earthquakes. In the end of the
book, the main character dies, but his consciousness is transferred into
a computer and then into an android that looks like him, and in it he
lives forever.

Isn't that the dream that keeps us all
going? The dream that one day we can live forever? Every Christian will
tell you that they are in it for the long haul. Life on Earth matters
little when you have eternal life in heaven to look forward to.

And why are we so hooked up on eternal
life?

Isn't it because we are afraid of death?
The one thing we can't escape from? No money in the world will prevent
you from dying, no medicines, no cures. We all die. What if we could
preserve our essence and put it into something else?

I, Robot is just a speck on the
screen and it (unfortunately) hardly touches on the subject, instead
focussing on the big blockbuster special effects. It is a great movie,
but it doesn't make you think too hard. Read the book instead. It will.

In my room
I'm alone in my room
and I'll be in for a while
And can't you see
I'm holier when I'm....
I'm feeling good enough to try?
All the drugs that you bring
if they're antiquated beyond belief,
might good enough to get me high.
Am I
Am I
My only only only friend that
I am, I?
Am I
Am I
My only only only friend that
I am, I?
In my gloom
I'm only in my doom,
and I'll be in for a while.
I used to think,
while i sit and wait for the phone to ring
that I'd be happier if I just am.
Only, only, only, only,
only, only, omly, only,
only, only, only friend that
I am, I.

Dandy Warhols - Be-In

• Fuck you for going back to your husband
• Fuck you for making me feel as if it's my fault
• Fuck you for cheating on me and then excusing it by saying we were on a break
• Fuck you for saying I'm a coward
• Fuck you for giving up on me
• Fuck you for being in my dreams
• Fuck you for destroying my dreams
• Fuck you for telling the world I love somebody else
• Fuck you for making assumptions about me
• Fuck you for destroying my hopes
• Fuck you for telling people how much you loved it on the phone
• Fuck you for leaving me alone
• Fuck you for wanting to be friends. How the fuck am I supposed to feel?

So fuck you and fuck your husband and fuck your pretty little flat and fuck your job and fuck your life and whatever the fuck else is keeping you away from me, because I am in love with you, and I can't go on without you. And if that doesn't go into your head, then fuck you.

I'm at the end of my fucking road.

We had "The Talk" tonight. The talk about our future. The problem with me is that talking to me is kind of monotonous. You rarely get more than an "I don't know" or an "I'm not sure" out of me. I'm not sure why. It's just me. Tonight, I made an effort. I really tried and I think it went well. I think she understands me, as much as I understand her.

There is something else strange with me and my relationships lately. In my last four relationships, I've fallen for women, who were in a relationship, either married or de facto. Not on purpose, it just happened that way. All of them were leaving or just left their respective other. And worst of all, all of them ended up with him in the end again. I should have learned by now, right? I should have learned.

Instead I stand accused of falling in and out of love easily. I stand accused of pushing them back into the arms of their respective others. I stand accused of moving on too quickly. None of this is true. I hang on way too long. I don't give up when they go back to their men. I understand, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I get all the promises. The "I'll never want to go back to him", and the "It's over". I get all sorts of assurances that I am not to blame for their break-ups. To be honest, I don't really care about their break-ups. Sure, as a decent man, I guess, I prefer not to be involved, but the reality always looks a little different, and no matter how much they assure me that I am not the reason, somewhere in the grand scheme of things, I am the reason.

What I don't get is that I am accused of letting go too easily. How can I not let go, if she is back with her ex? How can I not let go, when she is back with the Father of her children? Apparently it didn't bother me before. Well, no, it didn't because back then her promise was "To never go back to him". There was a future. Now, she has gone back to him to try again, so, no future for me. And that does bother me.

Maybe, this isn't making much sense. It was one of the things we spoke about tonight. We'll be friends, and that's it. Sure, there is love, but we won't be lovers, we'll be good friends, and that's it. She'll find her own two feet to stand on, and I'll continue building my life over here in my little corner. If we ever do get a chance to meet face to face again, we'll figure out how we feel about each other, then.

Shit, I sound grown up and reasonable about all this. There is no reason in love. No plan, no scheme. Love is. That's all there is to it. Love is. I'm sure.

~ ponders~ just because I am not a Christian, doesn’t make me judgmental. Actually – if anything – it makes me indiscriminate. See, as a Christian, I had the burning desire to spread the word and tell others about Christ. For a Christian, that’s actually a very bad thing to do, when you think about it. First of all, you have to make a judgment. That judgment is, that the person you are about to witness to, does not have Christ in their life. So, let’s say, you found a guy like me, obviously impartial to Christianity be it due to personal experience or lack thereof, and you have decided to witness to me. What if I already have a fair size idea about Christ, and now you come along, witness to me, and destroy that little bit of Christian love that was already in me? What if by your witness, you lead me away from Christ, rather than to him? Wouldn’t that be worse, than to not witness at all?
Now, you will say, but Christ tells us to go and preach the gospel, and witness to others, and… and… and… I agree. That’s what Christ told you to do. There is only one way you can do this right, though: If you are led by the Holy Spirit. Don’t even try to talk to anyone about Christ if you are not filled by the Holy Spirit. Especially not to people like me, because I am likely to give you answers that destroy will your faith, or at the least make you doubt the things you’ve been taught about Christ.

And while this may sound harsh, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you here. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have your say, or tell me your thoughts. You never know, I might actually listen closer than you expect.

:shock:
Maybe things went too quickly. After not having heard from her for 12 years, I sent her a letter – you may remember if you’ve been reading this blog for a while. Within a month, she’s told her boyfriend to pack his bag and started preparing for my return to her. Not because I wanted it that way. I told her not to get her hopes up. I tried to stop her. Sure, why did I write her the letter, then? I don’t know. To be honest, I really have no idea why I sent her the letter. Memories? Longings? I don’t know, but I do know that it wasn’t to make her move out from her long term relationship, and I don’t care how bad it is.

By the looks of it I won’t need to worry any longer. I think she’s mad at me. I don’t quite know how to feel about that. Who knows what else she’ll do, if I make an effort to stay in touch with her. I do love her… well, her, as I knew her 13 years ago. Who knows, if she’s still the same. Sure, she sounds the same on the phone, but face to face would be nice. :roll:

Fragile
Like a baby in your arms
Be gentle with me
I'd never willingly
Do you harm

Apologies
Are all you ever seem to get from me
But just like a child
You make me smile
When you care for me
And you know...

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Independence
Is still important for us though (we realise)
It's easy to make
The stupid mistake
Of letting go (do you know what I mean)

My weakness
You know each and every one (it frightens me)
But I need to drink
More than you seem to think
Before I'm anyone's
And you know...

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Kiss me goodbye
When I'm on my own
But you know that I'd
Rather be home

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Sometimes I feel as if I should go back and try again, but nothing I came for int he first place is still there. Nothing I ever believed in was true. Nothign I ever loved, loved me back. Some people stay away because they are too proud to go back. I wish there was a future there. I wish so much that I could make it work, or could have made it work. There is no way back, and it hurts. It has always hurt, even when it was still possible.

Lyrics credits: Depeche Mode - A Question of Lust

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

I'm just a little unwell

Matchbox 20 - Unwell